Not Ready

That about sums it up, I'm not ready for dating.

I really need to work on liking myself before I can expect anyone else to like and respect me.

So, aside from the occasional night out with friends, this blog will be severely lacking in material.  Maybe in another few months I can give it another go.  Or maybe not.

Whatever happens, happens.  No pressure.

Admitting You Have a Problem is the First Step

At least that's what I've heard.

So I've figured something out.  I know why I'm not entirely ready to get involved yet.  I get bored, very easily.  I have flirtation ADD.  If you're not doing it for me, it's no big deal; there are plenty more out there to entertain me.

Wait, that sounds bad.

But in all seriousness, you want to blow up my phone with texts and phone calls?  Cool, I'm okay with that. You drop off the face of the Earth for a few weeks?  Don't be surprised when you call me up later wanting to go out and I am not interested.

Don't misunderstand me, I have met some really awesome men.  And I don't blame them for giving up.  I'm not interesting in a physical relationship and I'm not ready for much beyond flirting.

And now that I've realized this about myself, maybe I can move myself in the right direction.

New Levels

I take being bad at dating to new levels.

That is all.

Bitter? Or Just Over the Games.

Well, I suppose that was bound to happen.  I was called bitter.  And I can see where "Ski" is coming from.  But here's the thing, I'm not bitter.

I don't hate all men.  In fact, I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal optimist.  I will always give the benefit of the doubt.  And just because I've had some crappy experiences, I'm not going to give up.

That doesn't mean a man gets a free pass, though.  If he's a liar or a cheat, then that's all she wrote. I'm pretty busy and I don't have time for that negativity in my life.  I put up with it for far too long, and I've finally come to the realization that it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect me, or others.

I'm not bitter.  I'm just ready to cut as much bullshit from my life as possible.  Ain't nobody got time for that.

"They Shoot Single People, Don't They?"

Going through the end of a marriage is no fun.  Going through the end of a marriage while moving your entire life from one coast to the other is even less fun.  All the advice I've read talks about reaching out to friends and family.  That's great, but my friends and family are a few days drive away.  No one's around to sit with a pint of ice cream while I wonder aloud about what I could have done differently, and all the other questions one asks herself when going through this.

Now, I've never had a problem making friends in the military.  Until now.  It's a different ballgame when you're a single female.  One big problem with the school I'm currently attending is that I'm only allowed to associate with other career Soldiers.  I can't be friends with the Initial Entree Trainees.  I'd venture to say that 90% of the career Soldiers are married.  It doesn't bother me, as far as I'm concerned that's double the friends, right?

Wrong.  Apparently, the wives have a problem with me.  I've discovered that being a single female in the military is the leprosy of the 21st century.  I'm not interested in anything more than friendship, but most of the friends I've tried to make have told me their wives aren't comfortable with them being friends with me.  They only want to hang out with other couples.  I even posted on the local "Spouses" facebook group that I'm looking for friends and playdates for my evil minions, hoping that I could make friends that way.  Nope, I'm the single female Soldier.  I got zero responses to my post, but spouses were responding left and right to nearly identical posts from other spouses.

I had been invited to a family game night in my neighborhood tonight with a few other careerists, their spouses, and their children.  I RSVP'd that I'd be attending with my minions, asking what I could bring.  The Soldier of the wife who was organizing this event sent me a message, apologizing because his wife didn't feel comfortable with me attending and it would throw off the even number of guests for the grown-up games.

I want to wear a shirt that says, "I was married to a cheating asshole for nine years.  The last thing I want is yours."

I Need to Order "Dating for Dummies"

A little background is in order, I suppose.

I'm a Soldier in the U.S. Army.  I'm attending a training school.  I've got two evil minions, and most of my time is spent playing Soldier, Mom, and student.

Now is when "Blue" enters the picture.  We'll call him Blue because he has the most beautiful blue eyes and a smile that instantly makes my knees weak.  He arrived here to this school about two months ago.  Occasionally we'll see each other, he'll smile, and I'll get all clumsy and flustered.  Prior to yesterday, we'd only had one chance to converse.  It was an interesting conversation.  I had been on guard duty with a classmate, and he and another Soldier came to take over.  While my classmate was briefing them, he kept his eyes locked on me.  It made me slightly uncomfortable, because I'm not used to having a man pay attention to me.  Especially when I'm wearing my seemingly man-repellent uniform.

So yesterday, I was walking into the building my class is in.  The door I normally use was locked, so I went to another side door.  And there he was, just standing in the hallway.  As I passed, he stopped me and asked about my combat patch.  Then we started a conversation; and while talking, I noticed he was checking my hands for rings.  He threw out that he's not married, he's single.  That's about when my classmate walked up and stood near me with his arms crossed, like a big brother.  That's where the friendly, casual conversation stopped.  Lunch was almost over, so I said goodbye and walked upstairs to my classroom.

Was he interested?  I don't know.  I think he was?  I have no idea how to gauge someone's interest, and no idea how to let someone know I'm interested.  It's a tricky situation, especially when in uniform.  Maybe this is why I'm cold and aloof, because I'm deathly afraid of seeming TOO interested.

I am terrible at this game.  Absolutely terrible.  I wish they offered dating for dummies classes, too.

Seek Life Elsewhere

I've been accused of being unapproachable.  Of being cold and aloof.  I think that's funny because I'm a very open, warm, and friendly person.  Friends and coworkers would all agree.  But my friends also all agree that if you're interested in dating me, you have a bunch of walls to break through.

Meet "Idaho."  He and I met through mutual friends.  When we met, he said he was looking for a serious relationship with someone he could have a future with.  I told him that given my current marriage-ending status, I wasn't ready to jump into anything quickly; but we could build a friendship, work towards dating, and see where things went later on down the road.  He said that was something he was wanting to try.

So we've been texting and talking for about a month.  I invited him out to dinner with me and some friends one night, and the following week I invited him to join us for a little get together at the house.  He spent both nights flirting with me, wooing my friends, and generally being a charming, sarcastic smartass.  When he left the house party, he kissed me.  It was nice, and I thought he might be someone I could date.

Fast forward to two days later.  A few weeks earlier when my phone was broken, he'd messaged with me on Facebook.  Well, I was bored and looked at his page.  This is when I noticed that he'd been tagged in a post with a girl.  No big deal, right?  Except her profile picture is of her and him.  Very close.  That really left no doubt in my mind.

So I sent him a text, "You have a girlfriend, don't you."

He responded with, "Are you always this insecure because it's kind of a turn off..."

I didn't know what to say.  I thought it seemed like a perfectly valid question when seeing a picture like that.

Hell, maybe I am insecure.  Maybe years of dealing with a man who cheated and lied knocked my self confidence down a few notches.

He can say he wants a relationship and someone to be serious with, I can say he needs to seek life elsewhere.